Since being diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been sleeping downstairs in what can be loosely called my office on the first floor. The idea was to avoid climbing the stairs in my townhouse as much as possible. In some ways it’s a place where I can be alone and some nights it’s a place where I’m restless and finding trouble sleeping. I get up in the middle of the night with stomach issues and pretty soon I’m wide awake writing blog posts.
Tonight, or I should say this morning, I started browsing around for a documentary with Michelle Whitedove. I never found it, but I did stumble upon Decoding Deepak. I have a few Deepak books and I’ve always followed his work. What he has to say about consciousness and our interconnectedness (I know that’s not a real word) is something that resonates with me. I always saw myself as being part of the universe and yet I spent a good part of my life feeling lonely and disconnected. Ironic that my belief is all about being connected to God, Source and the Universe. But in my daily life I feel misunderstood and alone.
So I started to watch the film made by Deepak’s son, Gotham. It made me think a bunch and then towards the end of the film, we are introduced to the Chopra Center co-founder, David Simon. He was diagnosed with GBM in 2010 and died in 2012. Here’s a man who lived by the rule of mind-body connection. He was healthy otherwise and even Deepak was taken aback by the diagnosis. He said in the film that David was the least likely person to get cancer because of his lifestyle. So, I started thinking after the film ended. I keep seeing these films that mention GBM.
I keep learning about people, celebrities and people connected to me who are affected by GBM. My friend lost her husband to GBM years ago. She’s also my insurance agent, so she knows exactly what I need to do. So, Rosie. You’re not alone. You were never alone. So many people have gone through this journey. Whatever happens along the way is to teach and enlighten both me and those around me.
My journey will be different than David Simon and yet, we are all connected. I think the point with David’s story for me is that even if I don’t follow a strict ketogenic diet or start praying furiously, I will walk this journey the way I need to. I will learn what needs to be learned and spread my message to those who will hear it. I have no idea where this is going, but I’m open to whatever comes into view. I’m going to keep sharing my experience here as a way to spread that message. I will continue to be positive and strong and believe that Ganesha spirit will help me overcome the obstacles presented. For example, I keep making small errors in using the right words for things and spelling. I notice it more frequently. It isn’t that I’m tired. The words just don’t come me. I can feel what I want to say, but it doesn’t come out right. Then I quickly remember the word and I say, “Oh I mean this.” Then I laugh it off. What else can Ganesha spirit do? It’s no longer an obstacle if it’s just a quirk. We can laugh about it and move on. I’m still able to communicate and get the message out. Who cares if I didn’t use the exact word? This isn’t a spelling bee. What?! Or I meant a TED Talk. Even at a TED talk, I could use a different word to get my message out. The audience won’t care. As long as they get inspired and motivated. Aha! So keep moving even if it isn’t perfect.
So far, any obstacles to my healing have been defeated. I’m following a traditional medical path of radiation, chemo and radiation surgery. But I’m also praying, meditating and allowing myself to be anointed with oil. Most importantly, I’m trying to have open conversations with loved ones. Making sure they know how I feel and to not despair. I’m still here and I’m still fighting. I could live another 20 years or another 2 years. No matter. That is the time I was blessed with. The good news is that I am never alone. Even now at 4:30 a.m. while everyone’s asleep upstairs. I’m surrounded by loved ones and even the stinky dog who is sound asleep at my feet.